DCR Original: Journalism & Chill Chapter IX: The walk away. ๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿšถ๐Ÿฟโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ’”

Reignin and I had been off and on now for about a few months. I was getting tired of the detachness, the very few minutes he wanted to be in love and the emotional unavailability. It was getting annoying and very draining and it wasn’t fun anymore. I simply had enough.

I had to remember who the fuck I was. I was not some man’s therapist and I sure wasn’t a condom or some cheap ass weed either so why was Reignin treating me like this, I don’t know… but he has to grow the fuck up or get the fuck on with his life and get the hell out of mines because he is taking up my time and energy that could be spent on a Emotionally and logically intelligent person who has more to offer. I don’t have time for him to decide when he wants to give a fuck about me and I have to work in that parameters, simply as is; that is NOT going to work and life doesn’t work like that.

One, I am a very successful, grammy award winning, Emmy award winning comedian who is a writer and now an actress. My life is busy as fuck because I have gigs and obligations to tend to. He knows this and I am also aware that he is a busy man. He is a comedian as well who is also a writer and just starting out. He is working very hard to establish himself in the comedy realm and, while I respect this and even encourage this because I have also worked my ass off to where I am at and what I have, there has to be a balance. We have to meet each other half way and we have to make time to spend it with each other if we truly want our relationship to grow. We have to take risk and not be scared to take them with each other. We have to balance our careers with each other and we have to be emotionally vulnerable with each other and right now… Our relationship isnt going anywhere and its highly stagnant.

I am also enhancing my spirituality and focusing on my mental health as well because I have been through some very hard suffering in life and live and harbor some intense traumas. I am very adamant about how NOT to inflict pain and suffering on people, especially if they didn’t play any part in that situation, it’s not fair to people and me. I am a social person and I love meeting new people and entertaining and being of use to people. In order to be a “public servant” I have to be there for myself as well. I am very important above all things. “I” come first.

Reignin and I had not been on any new dates, We barely speak to each other, hell…. we even run into the same circles and he doesn’t even acknowledge me. The few times I had addressed this situation, He ensures me that we are “Together” and that there is nothing wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. Yeah….Okay, I don’t know who the fuck he thinks I am but one thing about me is that I overthink everything. I already have a bad feeling about something and my intuition is strong as fuck. He is playing games with me and that I don’t take lightly at all.

Reignin and I meet at a coffee shop because he called me telling me that he needed to talk to me. After months of going through the twilight zone with him and the distance and detachment of his behavior, the dismissiveness, I had enough. For two months I was debating on breaking up with him and walking away because I was simply not okay with this kind of behavior. We sit next to each other and he began to talk to me about how he has been feeling about his professional life and our relationship.

” I have been so busy and I am simply tired. I got heckeled a few days ago on stage and it’s really bothering me. I am having issues with members of my family because they all want money from me. Like I am a comedian and my name is ringing bells BUT I am NOT a celebrity and I am not RICH.” Reignin says and sighs afterwards, He continues by saying ” I saw my ex and she is still in love with me. We broke up 2 years ago and I have not spoken to her since then and now she popped back up in my life. I am no going to lie, I still love her. But I love you too.” I interrupt him by asking, “so has he had any intimate relations with her lately?” and Reignin says “No.” So I continued to let him talk because this is the most he has ever spoken to me. ” I don’t know what to do and I am tired. I need a break from all of this.” He finished speaking and I spoke. “I understand where your coming from and I am glad that your talking to me about what you are going through. I am tired too. Not of my career but of you. I am tired of you not addressing your inner shit. I am tired of you being detached and I am tired of myself allowing you to act detached and aloof with me. One minute you want to talk and everything is good and then the next minute I am a stranger.” He apologized for being so detached and aloof with me. He seemed to acknowledge his behavior.

Honestly the apology is too late. I am tired and for the sake of my mental health and my spirit, I had to walk away. I had to walk away from the relationship and him. I liked Reignin a lot. I started to love him but I am glad I never crossed that bridge. I saw somthing in him that was magical and I still do. He is a great comedian and he is a great person who needs to do some healing and make decisions that will work very well in his own interest. I needed someone who was a true masculine person and someone who can trust me when I show then that I can be trusted. Reignin had alot he was dealing with and I didn’t think it was fair to add myself into the situation. I was draining myself questioning his actions towards me and feeling upset, angry, confused, sad and whatever else. It wasn’t fair to the both of us. I had bigger and better things to be focused on. If it’s truly meant for us to be together than we’ll circle the block again, we’ll have better sex again, we’ll truly love and grow with each other again if that is meant to be. It’s devine timing and I have no control over this relationship anymore. I never truly had control over this anyways.

“Reignin, I think it would be in the best interest of us both if we didn’t see each other right now. I don’t want you to choose between me and your ex. I don’t want to add any stress to your life than whats already added to. I don’t like how you have been treating me and I don’t deserve to be a second thought or a second choice. I have been through too much and don’t need to be stressed out over a man who doesn’t add anything to my life financially, mentally or emotionally. I want you to be happy and I LIKE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH, BUT I LOOOOVE myself more. If it’s meant for us, we can link back up again when things have died down or if is truly is meant.”

“I understand. I don’t want us to be apart. I like you so much Jessica and you are an amazing person with an amazing personality. My emotions aren’t the best. I am so sorry for how I have treated you. I am so sorry I am going through all of these things. I don’t want us to break up. Can you aleast give me a week to figure everything out and make better decisions. I don’t want my ex. I want you.” Reignin expressed.

“No. My life doesn’t run on your time or anyone elses, Just like your life doesn’t run on my time and never has. You have to learn not to be selfish when it comes to people. You need to address your demons and situations and heal. I don’t trust you to be honest right now. You have shown me why I cannot trust you right now.”

“You have to be Emotionally and Mentally intelligent and right now you just aren’t meeting that requirement for me.”

“Okay Jessica. So this is it. It was amazing and an honor and privilige to have met you and known you. I hope to see you again someday soon and hopefully I will be in a much better place then. Just don’t forget about me.”

“I wont. I love you Reignin. Your an amazing person and will always be my unicorn. I am walking away from you so you can grow and be an even more amazing person. I wish you all the best.”

I left the coffee shop. I walked away.

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